Could Need CoDA

On two rare occasions, I have been able to read the personal journals of people close to me. (With permission of course.) I was impressed with the meta level thinking and deep analysis of life that they wrote of. I looked back on my own journal after both instances, and felt... shallow. The only thing I really wrote about, with no one looking, was boys.

When I do a recap of my life, it's characterized by phases of my education (high school, under grad, grad school) but more so by relationships. (When I was dating so and so.) I'm sure I could find other ways to file away information, but when I'm being honest, it's about who I was dating. Taking the journal and the life chapter analysis into consideration, I have to think, something is wrong here.

Why would an educated woman be so boy crazy? After some traumatic events at the hand of a long distance relationship I actually want to keep, I took a good hard look inside my motives. I can't be alone. A sneaking thought has been with me ever since a class back in undergrad (aka Jeremy Time). We were studying the Self, and we had to read a book about Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA). We used them as a case study for revealing the self, but we also had to learn about the actual group. We looked at the common patterns for Codependents, and I remember them hitting a little too close to home. As a 21 year old, I buried it. I didn't want to join a 12 step program. I didn't want to admit there could be anything wrong with me at all.

I'm not 21 anymore. Maybe it doesn't end up being as bad as I thought, maybe it's just a stepping stone into a more conscious life. Or maybe, with the help of this group, I admit that I have felt for a long time that I have a problem with being codependent on my partners. I've yearned for affection and attention at an unhealthy level. I've manipulated and lied in so many relationships, and I always thought that the right guy would fix that. If it happens in all my relationships, then the common denominator is me.

I'm sure there will be more on this to come, I'm at the beginning. As cliche as it is, I'm at step one. I'm admitting I have a problem.

Long Distance

He asked for More Time...



She responded I Will Wait...

A life with Substance

Today is an Up. Yesterday, a down. The majority of relationships that I've been in have been roller coaster relationships. Wicked fights and passionate make ups. I've also been in vanilla pudding relationships, but those usually don't last as long. Does it mean that I thrive on instability? My current partner says that ups and downs are to be expected, but I'm like an EKG with these wicked spikes. Thankfully, we are mostly up, but the downs are pretty bad. Most - no, all - of the bad days have been days with drinking involved.

When my parents met, they were a couple of drinking, smoking party animals. This worked for them for a while, but eventually, my mother joined AA and became sober in all respects. My father reluctantly followed suit and quit drinking. My mother always says that substance abuse was the hardest obstacle for their marriage, and perhaps was the end of it.

As I look forward to my future, I wonder if there will be a point that I stop drinking all together. Furthermore, if I do, wonder if I'll need my partner to quit as well. I've brought it up, but didn't get great results. Do normal people cut back on drinking when they get older? I mean, there are probably less crazy party nights, but we all know the older person at the bar, constantly getting wasted. How do I know I won't end up as or with someone like that? What's the cut off age for party nights? Is it your bachelor or bachelorette party? Is the expectation that I'll eventually have a dry house something that I need to bring up now? I'm wondering if I need to talk about my eventual need for a life with out substances.

The Fixer

There was a line in a movie I was watching where the guy tells the girl, "You seem like the kind of girl who tries to make a bad thing work." Automatically, I thought to myself, that sounds like me. I didn't know that was a kind of girl. The woman in the movie responds, "I thought that just makes me an optimist." Which, when you see it from the outside, sounds delusional.
Things have been going very well in the relationship I'm currently in. We've gotten to a really good point. Now I can't help but wonder, is it a good thing, or am I just succeeding in making it work? How would I ever know the difference?
Just some questions I've been pondering.

Emotional Rapist

I've been called many things in my life, but an emotional rapist, that might take the cake. This was accompanied by 'needy', 'pushy' and 'vine jumper'. I like to think of these as translating to 'I know what I want', 'I'm not afraid to ask for it', and 'gets bored easily'. But there's no sugar coating a rapist.

It would make sense if, say, these barbs were dispensed by someone that I've emotionally raped (ok, I'll stop referencing it), but in reality, it was just someone passing through. Someone who, might actually be right.   There are not many times in my life where there was no one. No romantic partner, no fling, no booty call, no one.

There's always someone, and some times, those people made more of the 'relationship' than I did. I can count more than a few times where I was just having fun, but the person on the other end had bigger plans. Is this something that I should feel bad about? Is there an obligation to compare notes on where each person is at in the relationship and adjust accordingly? Ultimately, if you know someone isn't "The One", are you morally obliged to leave? How long do you give it to mature into something real?

I have to think that age plays a part in this. When I was in high school, I never asked myself if the person I was with was marriage material, and if I did ask, the answer didn't affect whether I would stay with them. I don't want to believe that now that I'm 25 every relationship has to be serious. However, I have been accused of 'fairy tale princess-ing' relationships by holding them up to the marriage-o-meter. Does this mean that if a partner of mine knows full well that they would never marry me, they need to tell me? Perhaps.

This truth speaking passer by noted, that even if people are on the same page in the relationship, they could be reading from different parts. A big part of me, and probably how I've acted in the past, believes it is every man for themselves. If you don't think things are going how or where you want them to, either change it, or leave. We're all adults here, and we need to be responsible for our actions and what we surround ourselves with. So I guess that does make me emotionally insensitive, but rape's a strong word.

*Note- This has very little to do with what's currently going on in my life. Just a train of thought brought on by some interesting insults.*

Correcting your Posture

There is an awkward stage in the beginning of any courtship where you struggle to find your footing. You aren't sure who is the decision maker, how far you can push, how much of yourself to put out there. Can you dive in head first without fear of hitting bottom? You have to determine your place not only in the relationship, but in relation to the other person's position.

My mother once told me, 'the only relationships that work are the ones where the man loves the woman more than she loves him'. Now, at the time, I dismissed it. Not only did such a statement ignore any non-heterosexual relationships, but it also eliminated the possibility of an even, mutually loving relationship. As I get older, with many things she has told me, I realize my mother might be right. Perhaps not all relationships have to work this way, but when the woman is from my family they have to work that way. We're not good at having the lower hand.

A friend of mine asked, "How is it that three months into a relationship, you're still posturing?" I hadn't looked at it quite like that, but it's exactly what I'm doing. I'm silently negotiating for a stronghold. Part of me wants to shout- I'm 25! Can't I be done with the withholding, with the meta level analysis, with the games? And the other part of me smugly says, you're 25- haven't you learned how to do it better than this by now?

How to know when to move on

1. When you get sent to voice mail twice because dancing with the stars is on.
2. When mid-seduction, he remembers he needs to unload the groceries/ paint the cabinets/ change the laundry
3. When you actually doubt being a good girlfriend because you know he would respond better to you being a bitch.
I could go on. I'm going to try #3 on for size, but it's going to take more than flowers to get out of this one alive.

The scary part is, I've seen this all before. It's called my four year college relationship. I can tell my inner masochist is just salivating over this latest catch. Stay tuned...

Raising the Bar

I've narrowed my criteria in a man down to four things. Now, these are the specific things in the man that I want, and do not include the things I want from him.

1. Intelligence - this doesn't have to mean education, but it often times does. Also, if it's a highly specified intelligence in a field I don't understand, than I'm not sure it counts. Writing skills fall into this category. 'Text talk' will get you axed pretty quick. lol.

2. Socially Capable - can get along easily in a situation where he doesn't know many people. Will make friends easily, and most importantly, my family gets along with him. Being funny- a crucial element - also falls into this category.

3. Ambitious - this doesn't always correlate with success, but it holds the promise of success. Even if they make doughnuts, they better have it in their heads the plan to be the best doughnut maker in the state- no- the world! 

4. Handsome - this one is a completely subjective category, and only I have to find the man attractive. I've dated some odd looking men in my life (I won't include pictures to protect the innocent) but there's always been that something that makes them someone I would stare at from across the room.

That's it. Pretty simple dream man. I've found a precious few 4 for 4's out there, now I just have to find the one that's head over heels for me and willing to treat me right. Ahh, if it were only that easy...

Panzano 5280 meal

First Course:

I got - Crespelle ai Funghi - Hazel Dell mushroom stuffed crepes, fonduta sauce, white truffle oil

He got- Cavolini di Bruxelles - Fried Brussels sprouts tossed with apple cider vinegar, pistachios and sliced green apple

Second Course:

I got - Smoked mozzarella, grilled eggplant soup

He got - Caesar Griglia - Grilled hearts of romaine, anchovies, garlic, Parmesan

Third Course:

I got - Costole Breve - Braised beef short ribs, with sweet potato puree, Gorgonzola and a vanilla bean foam

He got - Gnocchi al Coniglio - Sautéed gnocchi with rabbit confit, leeks, shallots, mushrooms, roasted tomatoes and gorgonzola cheese

Dessert:

I got - Lavender Chocolate Pâté - Finished with sea salt, extra virgin olive oil and raspberries

He Got - Blood Orange semifreddo - like a orange creamsicle

Best meal of my life. Just thought I'd share

I don't want to go up, I'm a Mexico kid.

Tomorrow afternoon, at 12:45, I will walk into a real office and sign a contract for a real job. 40 hour work weeks, salary and commission, 2 weeks vacation, and the Iron Cage. A very large part of me is terrified. My inner slacker/traveler/nomad is screaming, 'Stop, don't do it, don't sign your life away!'. But should I listen to any of those people? My inner business woman/grown up/realist is saying, 'Yes! Finally a real job, with health insurance!'

I feel like the real me is somewhere in the middle of these two personas. I would like to be a traveling realist. A hippie business woman. With the company I'm signing with, I think that might be possible. The big seller is that my daily schedule is flexible. The office is available from 6 am- 9 pm, and I just have to be there for 8 hours somewhere in between (with an hour lunch. It's no 2 hour siesta, but it will do). So technically I could work 6-2 every day and have every afternoon free. That calms my inner park dweller.

Another big "pro" on the list is the possibility of a dog. I've wanted a dog of my own for my entire life. I've raised dogs for 4 other roommates, and had to leave them behind. I knew I needed some stable income before I could commit, and this will provide just that. (dream dog pictured below)

So I made up my mind- I'm going to take the job. I will try the real world. You might find me here in a few months with my tail between my legs, running away (again) to Mexico, but I'm going to give it my all. Wish me luck out there!

My wants are so large...

I've gotten a library card. I take out 3 books a week. I wonder if this is the best way to spend my time. A quote that I've felt myself so many times...

"I pull up the blanket and turn to face you. I cover your leg wih my leg. Truthfully, my wants are so large that I can't fit words around them. I want I tell you I feel lonely. I want to ask if, on rainy nights, you are ever moved to speak the language of poets. But mostly, I want to feel the proximity of body, mind and heart... I want not sex but love." -Everyone But You by Sandra Novack.

Let it go...

I get like this sometimes. Computer obsessed. I hadn't realized that I slipped back into it until I felt actual carpal tunnel in my wrist. Between work stepping up my hours, and the worlds of Chicago and Mexico seeming infinitely more interesting on Facebook, I've become a zombie.

I want to stop, I told myself this very morning that I will go to the library and the gym before I get any more online time. Well, it's almost 2 now and neither have happened.

With the iphone always in my hand, I literally do not disconnect for more than a few moments. I need to quit this. I need to paint my friend's house or go to the park with my nephews, or anything besides being "plugged in" as my aunt says. I just can't. Even now, guess what? This blog? It's being written from a computer. I'm online as we speak. I'm using again. Please, let spring come. Let me get the substitute teaching job. Please don't let 2012 turn into Chicago x2 with me in bed with my thesis and facebook for days on end.

Mystery Poo

I thought I did well. My nephew pooped, I wiped him with minimal face making, washed my hands, he pulled up his shorts, walked out. I came back to the bathroom a few minutes later, and narrowly missed stepping on a random poo dropping in the middle of the floor. Why? How? This is why I'm not a mom yet.