Getting Lucky

Last night, as I sat in my uncle's hot tub, listening to the waves crashing, looking at the stars, the very obvious thought finally crossed my mind- I'm lucky. I get so wrapped up in the future, that I forget to look around at where I'm at right now. I'm in an amazing place, surrounded by family who love me and friends that care. No matter what comes in the future, I have to remember these days as some of my best. I have no bills. That's huge! Outside of work, there's no one who I report to. If I decide to drive 45 minutes away to get the best milkshakes around, I can. If I want to stay out until 5 am dancing with strangers, I can. What's more, I actually do these things. If I had children, or roommates, or a dog even, there would be someone or something counting on me to be home, to be responsible. I can do what I want, when I want to, which is a luxury many people just don't have.

There are so many blogs that talk about the struggles that people face, infertility, death, depression- and I don't face any of them. Any problems that I do face seem minuscule in comparison. Some of the hardest times I've experienced were in college, when I struggled with money. The looming bills each month constantly weighing on my brain, I was always stressed. With the clarity that comes with time, I can see now that I was stressed, but not depressed. Depression is something that many of the people close to me struggle with. Looking at the genes, the stats, and the fact that it's not something I face, I have to come to the same conclusion- I'm a lucky little whippersnapper.

So how can I save these moments? How can I capture this luck? The term 'live in the moment' comes to mind, but how does one actually do that? Stop planning so far ahead? I feel like there's some kind of deeper appreciation that I need to tap into. I'm open for suggestions as to how. I'll start today by setting aside a little time to hang my legs off the stone wall at my uncle's place and soak in the view of the ocean spread in front of me... and perhaps tonight I'll dance with a few strangers.

Settle Down Now ...

When I was in my first sociology class ever, my teacher gave us a warning- once you start looking at things from outside the social box, you can never go back. As a 17 year old in an intro class, I was intrigued but didn't heed the warning. I don't know if I would have switched majors had I known that every decision I made after that which involved other people would be second guessed and over analyzed. It's even hard for me to watch movies with out wondering why they made the villain darker skinned than the hero, or why the chick flicks rarely end with the woman making grand gestures.

The most recent annoying sociology pondering comes when I think about my romantic relationships, and where I see them going. The well socialized woman in me gets dreamy eyed when I think about a guy being "The One". I mentally check his last name to see how it sounds with my first (no doodles... *ahem* usually), I think about how tall our kids would be, I wonder if he will be in the "poor guy wedding" or "rich guy wedding" categories that I've been planning since I was 5- all the appropriate fluster. Then, the sociology fairy chimes in.

"Are you really jumping to marriage already? Why do you need a contract and a declaration in front of family in order to feel legitimate? Marriage doesn't even exist except as a social path into an institution which has constantly supported patriarchal, heterosexist values. Furthermore, do you even think that monogamy is the best or only path for a successful relationship? Why are you assuming that men are the only available partner for you?......" Sociology doesn't shut up. She's a total buzz kill.

So can I never settle down with a clear intellectual conscience? What does settling down entail, and is 24 the age that people are doing it? Why, WHY do I care what other people are doing? Just as my head starts pounding, I see a light of clarity shining brightly through the socy questions and the cultural expectations. My friend and her relationship. When I'm down, I just think about her 5+ year relationship with a wonderful, intelligent, socially aware partner. They just recently bought a house together, because they wanted to, not due to any outside pressure, and because it would be a great place for their dog (not kids). They refuse to answer any questions regarding "when they're going to get married", because they're just enjoying each other's company. They travel, they go out, they stay in, but most of all, they're enjoying life and youth together and ignoring what they "should" be doing. In the end, it seems like the perfect situation.

Now the tricky part is telling that nice boy that he's great, but marriage makes me mentally shudder. It doesn't sound very nice. Maybe he'll just have to get over it, and I'll keep making little hearts around his name.