To Kill or to Chill?

First thing's first- salsa dancing is hard. Zuma is like salsa on meth. Therefore, Zuma class followed by a night of salsa dancing is a bad plan, but a great work out- just a little FYI.

Moving on, I've been wondering all morning, what's the difference between being a doormat and being easy going? I think it might have something to do with letting things go that you can't change (thanks serenity prayer) but I'm having trouble walking the line between the two options.

My inquiry is sparked by two things. First, I'm in line for a new contract at the school I work at. I know what I want: to be English coordinator for the middle school and I have a certain number in mind for my salary. With these two things, I will sign a contract to stay for next year. If not, I'm going to have to seriously think about it. But do I go to them and say- 'this is what I want'? Or do I wait for them to offer and then counter with what I'm looking for? Who knows, they might have a way higher number in mind... or way lower. So do I sit back and wait or actively push my own agenda?

Secondly, I'm currently in a relationship. The ex of the guy keeps popping into the picture. They have a good relationship, and I'm all for being friends with ex's. I'm putting on the "chill girlfriend" front, repressing any jealousy or urges to scream, "If she calls you again, I'll shank a

hoe!", because, you know, that would not be very chill. So last night he gets a call from her at 5 am. I hear her tell him she's outside and ask if he's busy... (this is the part where I am trying my hardest not to grab the phone or better yet, walk outside) Like a good boy, he tells her he's happily asleep with the girlfriend he loves and she hangs up. The whole thing seems very sketchy. So what is my plan of action here readers? Is it a doormat move to let him handle it? Would it look bad for me to politely ask her to stop such tomfoolery? (Ask her with my fists? I mean....)

I know I'm in charge of my own life, making my own destiny. But at what point should I bulldoze my way to my own goals and when should I allow life to offer me what it has to give? Hmm.

Pretty and Witty and Gay!

Maybe I should feel bad... but I don't. I'm catching a little bit of flack for my actions as of late. Some people might see what I'm doing as inconsiderate. I've done some reevaluating and I've changed my perspective and motivations to be a little more... selfish. Eek! You mean I'm actively pursuing my own happiness? How rude!

Maybe I should back up and fill you in as to what caused such a change. I was never selfless in my actions. I've always had my own interests in mind, but I feel like I had some awareness as to what I'm doing to other people, a certain responsibility to the feelings of strangers. As I watched a 2 year old friend yell "MINE" and grab my camera away from me, I realized that we're born with the need to look out for ourselves. We don't even have a concept of other people until quite some time after we're born. I have a reoccurring image of myself at age 60, looking back at the life I've lived, and realizing the people I've been looking out for, stressing about their feelings, they won't matter in the least. Now, I'm not throwing family or friends under the bus here, but random strangers who disapprove of my dating habits? Fuck em. The people higher up than me at work who don't pull their weight but who I don't want to make look bad? They won't matter one iota to the 60 year old me. What will matter is whether or not I made myself happy. So that's what I've been doing, and it's been working out pretty well.

I was walking around the resort that I live at, and a friend was watching from a penthouse above. He called me later to ask me why I was so happy. I didn't know what he was talking about, but apparently, I was dancing. Skipping, disco handing, twirling, the whole gambit. I didn't even know I was doing it. I guess the happiness crusade is working. I feel pretty... :)