Harvest Moon

There was a great big harvest moon out tonight. As I was driving home I saw it, and it struck me. It was so sharp, so crisp, and then it ducked behind the trees.

As I drove, it kept being interrupted by trees, or buildings, or even neon signs that overpowered it and completely destroyed its beauty. It would always reappear though, even if just for an instant. Eventually, it rose above these distractions, and I could see it for the elegant force that it was.

It came to me then- I am that moon. Maybe it is a tired and cliche metaphor, but I'm at a point in my life, that I keep getting covered up. I am shadowed or allow myself to be overtaken by boys, or jobs that I don't want, or paths that aren't really me, all the while believing that I am back there, somewhere- waiting to be seen.

I know I will persevere. I heard once that harvest moons seem so large due to the points of reference near the ground. The trees make it seem bigger, they shape it. Right now I'm being shaped by the distractions, but it was so clear, and such a relief, to know that soon enough, I will rise above and be what I really am.

Family time

I've been back in Colorado now for a few weeks, and my biggest accomplishment is becoming an essential part of my nephews' (and niece's) lives.

Here are some of my favorite moments. Also, I've started taking millions of pictures again. (for the kids!)

Ladies of the Family

Sister dinner- first time we're all over 21

Em at the pool

Johnny at the pool

Boys plus friend James at the county fair

Doodle petting at 4H rabbit

Col on the coolest water slide/ waterfall I've seen

Lunch with John's girlfriend

Painting a dog house for Ella (the "pretend" dog)



Bath Time

Bed time! I'm the coolest aunt ever.

Put the camera down, and no one gets hurt...

Ever since college, I've become a photophiliac. I'm addicted to pictures. I know that if I take about 50 a night, then I will have 3 that I love. For the past month however, my camera charger has been missing. I realize I had been missing some real moments while capturing posed ones.

Fortunately! My friends take pictures. Here's what's been up.

<-- An outfit that I truly enjoyed,

<-- An activity that I had forgotten I love,

And a word my mother used

to use "cashola"

(not to mention nice orange shoes)

That Moment

I always come to a point in any relationship- not necessarily romantic- where I consider laying it all on the line. It usually comes when I'm tired of fighting, or when I don't think there's much else to lose. Alternately, it might be when I feel most open or optimistic with someone. If things are going so well, I might as well tell them everything and see how it goes. I think to myself, why not? I should just tell them everything. Every motivation, every detail, every secret.

I never do.

I should. I should say, 'I really didn't want to be your friend, I just didn't have anyone else to turn to, and now things have gone sour, so let's just walk away.' I should say, 'I've just been seeing how long this dating thing would work out, but I really haven't invested any emotions since the beginning.' Or 'I'm totally fucked up in the head, please forgive that and love me even when I have no mascara on.'

I'm not sure what I'm waiting for.

Is this awesome or awful?

Someone wise once told me, sometimes when life hands you shit, it's just compost in disguise. You never know if the moment that feels horrible is going to turn around and create something wonderful for you. So many times I felt like a bomb just went off in my life- break ups, getting fired from babysitting, failing my AP History exam- but when the dust settles, things look so much better than before. If there hadn't been break ups with a million jerks, I wouldn't still be available for Mr. Right. If I hadn't gotten fired from babysitting, I wouldn't have started working at Santiago's where I learned Spanish. If I had

passed my History exam, I wouldn't have needed to take Sociology 101, which put me where I am today.

The school that I was going back and forth about signing a contract for a full time position with next year in Mexico just made it a lot easier to choose. They offered me 6 hours a week (which is up from my 3 now but still part time); I would be sharing with the non-English speaking current teacher. They loved my teaching, I excelled in all areas, gave about 100 90 percent when it came to after hour meetings, plays, fairs, fundraisers, protests, recycle clean up, recess duty, substitution... the list goes on. Maybe it's because they don't want to fire another teacher to give me a full time spot. Maybe I didn't seem interested in a full time position. Maybe they want people that don't speak English to teach English!

I know I could make an incredibly convincing argument for the full time, well paid position that I know I should have. I could go in, 3 tiered argument blazing, email the head of the school, and might get exactly what I'm asking for. But in the end, I feel bad fighting for a better position that I don't even know if I want. I suppose I'll leave it be for now. Who knows, this pseudo- snub might actually be a blessing in disguise. The richest compost often comes in the form of pure B.S.

Foto fabulous

Just a little sample of things that have been going on in my neck of the woods.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...

When I was young, my family and I went on a white water rafting trip. Our guide was a talented, tanned, young woman who could probably could have bench pressed my father. There was a moment when we were all floating outside of the boat except my dad, and the raft started to drift in the wrong direction. The guide had to swim upstream to help him steer, and the image of her doing the butterfly stroke against the strongest current I'd ever felt is an image that will stay with me for the rest of my life. She was so strong! I tried to turn and swim, and I wasn't even staying in one place. She managed to beat the current, return to the boat and save the day.

In a nutshell, she is my hero. I want to be able to beat that current. I want to be that strong.

Unfortunately, I'm not. My life is the current, and I can barely stay afloat.

This boy I'm seeing, I know how bad he is for me. All my women's studies training is screaming in my ear to leave, but I keep trying to fix him. I keep thinking if I just give enough, he'll stop needing. I give him my most powerful butterfly stroke (a rose at the airport when he arrives, little surprises at work...) and yet all I'm able to do is stay still. The moment I stop swimming, I'm rushed downstream. The first slip in affection, and he turns back into the insecure ball of lint from before.

I'm swimming towards the goal of a life of travel. I'm so close, sometimes I'll catch a good upstroke like Nicaragua, and yet, I'm still not there. What are the types of jobs that will let me move to a new place every six months, pay the bills and get me work visas? Hotel management for a large firm? Pilot? Mail order bride?

I swim towards happiness. Some elusive elation is in my raft and I know if I just swim hard enough, if I just master my efforts, I can get there. Either that, or I should just let go and enjoy the lazy river of life. How bad could the rapids ahead be? Hmm. They could be really bad. If I stop trying, I might end up living in my dad's basement in the same town I grew up in, working for the same pizza place as I did in college. In the end, I just keep swimming- I'll get there.